When you're trying to talk to someone who's depressed, it can be frustrating. It's kind of a minefield if you have never experienced depression yourself. The situation's complicated by an issue on the depressed person's side. It's very hard for someone with depression to think clearly, let alone communicate how to you what depression feels like, how it's affecting them, or what they need from you.

Image: Day by Edward Robert Hughes
Day by Edward Robert Hughes

But there are some things you can say, (and offer) that, while not guaranteed to make the depressed person feel better, could make it easier for them to talk to you and spend time with you.

First of all, there are three things that you want to convey in general. Acknowledge that you can't understand what the person's feeling (unless you've experienced clinical depression), but tell them that you can tell it's very difficult/painful. Also, make sure that the person knows that you are not trying to jolly them up or get them "past" the situation. And finally, make it clear that you are not trivializing their situation.

Here are some more specific things you can say or offer:

  • "I'm sorry you're in so much pain."
  • "I can't even imagine what you're going through. Do you want to talk about it?"
  • "You're not alone."
  • "I'm here for you." The caveat here is to only say it if you mean it, and are willing to help the person out in any way you can. It's possible that they won't ask you for anything. It's possible that they just need an occasional shoulder to cry on. But if they need more, like frequent talks and visits, it won't help them or your relationship if you can't follow through.
  • "I'm here whenever you need to talk." Again, assuming you mean it, of course. If every time the depressed individual calls to talk and you roll your eyes and stifle a yawn, you're not helping the situation.
  • "Can I take care of any errands for you or do something around the house?" You know when you've had the flu for a week and nothing's gotten done? That's how things are for someone with clinical depression. Everything's a huge effort, so if you can just take care of a couple of things for them, it will help immensely.
  • "Do you need someone to go to the doctor with you?" First, this is a gentle, non-intrusive way of finding out if the depressed individual is getting help. Secondly, depression can make your thought process pretty foggy. It might help them to have someone at them at the doctor's to not only communicate pertinent information to the doctor but gather information from them.

Finding the right thing to say to someone with depression may seem complicated, but if you remember not to be judgmental, to sympathize if you can't empathize and not to trivialize their situation, chances are you will be a great comfort to that person.

My son and I talked about this on our YouTube channel:

From alt.support.depression:

It is most tempting, when you find out someone is depressed, to attempt to immediately fix the problem. However, until the depressed person has given you permission to be their therapist (as a friend or professional), the following responses are more likely to help.

The things that didn't make me feel worse are words which 1) acknowledge my depression for what it is (No 'it's just a phase') 2) give me permission to feel depressed (No 'but why should you be sad?')

Here is the list from contributors to a.s.d.:

1. "I love you!"

2. "I Care"

3. "You're not alone in this"

4. "I'm not going to leave/abandon you"

5. "Do you want a hug?"

6. "I love you (if you mean it)."

7. "It will pass, we can ride it out together."

8. "When all this is over, I'll still be here (if you mean it) and so will you."

9. "Don't say anything, just hold my hand and listen while I cry."

10. "All I want to do know is give you a hug and a shoulder to cry on.."

You might also be interested in How to Help and Support Someone Who is Depressed.

11. "Hey, you're not crazy!"

12. "May the strength of the past reflect in your future."

13. "God does not play dice with the universe." – A. Einstein

14. "A miracle is simply a do-it-yourself project." – S. Leek

15. "We are not primarily on earth to see through one another, but to see one another through" – (from someone's sig)

16. "If the human brain were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it." – a codeveloper of Prozac, quoted from "Listening to Prozac"

17. "You have so many extraordinary gifts–how can you expect to live an ordinary life?" – from the movie "Little Women" (Marmee to Jo)

18. "I understand your pain and I empathize"

19. "I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself so you don't need to worry that your pain might hurt me."

20. "I listen to you talk about it, and I can't imagine what it's like for you. I just can't imagine how hard it must be."

21. "I can't really fully understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion."

22. "You are important to me."

23. "If you need a friend….." (and mean it)