How to Ask Someone How Is the Family After the Funeral on Saturday
It's mutual to feel broken-hearted and intimidated in the "grief back up" role. This is 1 of the reasons why otherwise caring people sometimes say hurtful, minimizing, or unhelpful things to their bereaved loved ones and why they sometimes avert their grieving friends and family members altogether. Hopefully, if nothing else, all of y'all reading this after Googling "how to back up a grieving friend" volition take solace knowing your fear is normal and (likely) not indicative of a personal problem.
Last month several of the people I love experienced the death of someonetheydear. I sent flowers, I wrote cards, and said "I'll be here if you need anything" but overall I felt useless, ineffective, and unhelpful. I knew these friends and family unit members were entering the darkness of grief and that all I could actually offer them was timid encouragement and the offer of support.
I started thinking about this reality (and drawing very bad stick figure cartoons about information technology) and ultimately decided to turn to our readers to ask fortheirperspective. I posted a question on Facebook and Instagram request our readers what the best thing any person or people did for them in them in the days, weeks, months, and years after their loss. I expected to get a handful of responses, merely instead we received shut to 150.
Reading all these responses was an incredibly moving experience and it helped me to realize a few important things.
- At that place are a lot of awesomely supportive family and friends out there.
- The things people notice helpful are very specific to who they are as people and to their unique circumstances.
- Having a good support system is never nearly any one person saying or doing the exact correct thing. Rather it's well-nigh having a network of support people who come together to help in big and small ways. And it'south the small gestures that are frequently virtually appreciated!
I'1000 sorry nosotros can't share all the responses we received, but if y'all want to read the individual comments y'all tin get hither. Instead we'd like to share a few themes, or principles, that emerged as virtually helpful and supportive to grieving individuals.
ane. Send something
In the past nosotros've given flowers a scrap of a bad rap because, while lovely to have at the services, (1) it's hard to know what to practise with them later and (2) flowers die and when they practice they odor terrible. The truth is, though, I often send flowers when I feel that it's appropriate. If you recall the person would appreciate flowers, or if you recall that you volition be one of the only people who send them, then send them.
Now if you lot become the sense thatmanypeople will ship flowers, y'all may desire to recollect outside of the box. Some suggestions that people noted every bit especially helpful include sending/dropping off:
- Dwelling house cooked meals
- Remembrance items
- Food and habitation staples
- Thoughtful cards and letters
- Gift cards to somewhere practical or cocky-care related
- Items that belonged to the person
- Care box with cocky-care items
2. Offer practical support
People frequently need practical back up after the decease of a loved one for two reasons (1) considering their deceased loved one used to handle certain things and fill certain roles and (ii) because grief makes it hard to care well-nigh the minutia of day-to-mean solar day life. Enquire yourself, what might my loved i need assistance with and what unique skills practise I accept to offer? If you find that you aren't the best person to help fill a potential need, you lot might also consider purchasing a gift certificate so your loved 1 tin can hire someone at their own convenience (i.e. a cleaning service or a landscaper).
A few examples of helpful practical support that were shared include…
When a friend or family unit fellow member…
- Leant a hand with little day-to-day tasks
- Helped with children or pets
- Helped the bereaved sort through a loved i's belonging or helped to clean out a firm
- Helped with yard work
- Cleaned the firm
- Helped with odd jobs around the house
- Taught the person how to handle new tasks and responsibilities (i.east. finances, lawn intendance, childcare, etc)
- Sent meals
- Gave them a place to stay when they didn't want to stay lone in their habitation
- Accompanied them on certain outings
three. Be in that location
Many people expressed that friends and family "being there", physically and/or emotionally, was one of the well-nigh helpful gifts a person could take given them later on their loved one died. To analyze,"being there" goes beyond a vague and not-comital – "permit me know if you need anything".Let's be honest, this is often the final phrase someone utters earlier going MIA on their grieving family fellow member or friend. Non helpful.
Examples of how to "be there" in a real wayvary, but include some of the following:
When a supportive friend or family member…
- Physically showed upwardly during the bereaved's time of demand
- Connected to cheque in on a regular basis via text message or phone
- Regularly offered a unproblematic "I love you" or "I'one thousand thinking of you"
- Shared meals with the bereaved when they knew they were struggling to swallow alone
- Chosen just to talk
- Offered a existent hug
- Offered a hanky
- Offered sincere and simple words of support and encouragement
4. Help them accept a suspension
1 of my favorite grief theories, the Dual Process Model, says that a griever volition oscillate between confronting their loss and avoiding the loss. Under this model, seeking respite from grief is a good for you part of coping. This makes sense, correct? Sometimes a person needs a lilliputian time to feel normal or to engage in activities that requite them a boost of positive emotion. This being the case, it may exist helpful to offering or encourage distraction; with the caveat that yous should never push a person to minimize, move on, or forget their loss and with the understanding that their grief could overcome them at any moment (specially in the early days) and thats okay.
Some of the things that people noted as providing positive distraction include….
- Laughter
- Sharing positive memories of their loved ane
- Taking them out for a meal
- Taking them to the movies or on other recreational outings
- Accompanying them to parties or other social gatherings
5. Be willing to "become there" with them
Something people often express their appreciation for is having friends and family who are willing to exist present for the sorry and uncomfortable moments without trying to fix them and without showing fear, discomfort, or judgment.
Being willing to "go at that place" with a bereaved individual can hateful many things. A few noted examples include…
When friends or family unit members were willing to…
- Exist present for the tears, acrimony, and outbursts without judgment
- Sit down in silence
- Talk about the person who died – say their name, share memories, bring them upward
- Just let the bereaved person cry
- Offering validation and/or normalize the experience
- Truly listen (without trying to offer communication)
- Accept the person's grief months and even years after
6. Don't forget
Function of beingness a supportive family member or friend is agreement that grief is, in many ways, a forever thing. Your loved i doesn't just need your support in the immediate aftermath of loss, but also in the years to come up. Days similar anniversaries, holidays, birthdays, Mother's Day and Male parent'southward Day, weddings, and graduations may forever land somewhere on the spectrum of sad to bittersweet.
Y'all can evidence your ongoing support for a grieving loved one by doing the post-obit…
- Sending a carte or checking in on the days you remember may exist hard
- Recognizing that the certain times of twelvemonth, like the time of year when their loved i died, may be difficult
- Continuing to share memories and to talk virtually their loved ane
- Continuing to randomly (or regularly) check in with the person
- Acknowledging that happy days may be somewhat bloodshot
- Acknowledging that the person who died is ever with them
Have nosotros missed something? Share your feedback below in the comments section.
Source: https://whatsyourgrief.com/support-grieving-family-member-friend-6-principals/
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