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Start your review of The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness; A Complete Handbook for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society

Sep 10, 2014 Hana rated it liked it

I am now the proud owner of a first edition of this book, published in Boston in 1875. On page 68 (the chapter about "Visiting") I found a carefully cut out column from a very, very old newspaper, apparently used as a bookmark.

At first, I wondered if the lady who had made it all the way to Chapter VII was planing a journey. There were listings for railway departures to Atlantic City, Cape May, Sea Isle City and Ocean City and an advertisement from the Phila. & Reading Ry. boasting "Engines Burn

But then I turned the newspaper clipping over and the poem I found gave me this tantalizing clue about why so many, many years ago, a young woman who lived in Boston might have started reading this book, and then perhaps, set it aside. Here is the first verse of five:

I've jest come here a-visitin' my daughter f'r a spell;
She lives upon an "anvenoo" 'n talks of bein' "swell".
We al'ays called her Susan Jane, but here t'me says she:
"I'm 'Mrs. James Delancy Smythe'--that's so high-toned y'see.
Somehow, it seems t''ve turned her head t' come down here 'n' live,
'N' talkin' of her country home's a thing she won't f'rgive,
That she's almost ashamed of me--'n' I'm her mother, too.

The book itself provides an interesting window into late 19th century manners. It is full of sensible advice, some of which is still useful: "A lady is never so well dressed as when you cannot remember what she wears", "Do not be too submissive to the dictates of fashion", "with the simplest materials, harmony of color, accurate fitting...and perfect neatness, she will always appear well dressed". Miss Hartley advises that one's feet should always be tidy...I wonder what she would think of flip-flops!

On conversation: "The art of conversation consists in the exercise of two fine qualities. You must originate, and you must sympathize; you must possess at the same time the habit of communicating and of listening attentively. The union is rare but irresistible. None but an excessively ill-bred person will allow her attention to wander from the person with whom she is conversing..."

On dinner company: "The greatest tact is displayed where the hostess makes each guest feel perfectly at ease. She will aid her husband both in leading and supporting the conversation and will see that no guest is left in silence from want of attention."

On conduct in the street: "If you wish to take an omnibus or car, see that it is not already full. If it is, do not get in. You will annoy other, and be uncomfortable yourself. It is best to carry change to pay [the fare], as you keep others waiting whilst the driver is making change, and it it apt to fall into the straw when passing from one hand to another...In taking your place in an omnibus or car, do so quietly, and then sit perfectly still. Do not change your place or move restlessly. Make room for others if you see that the opposite side is full." "Loud talking and laughing in the streets are excessively vulgar."

On accomplishments: "The young lady who comes modestly forward, when called upon as a performer, would cease to please, were she for an instant, to assume the air and confidence of a professional musician...there is an effort and a dash, which disgust in the lady who has bad taste enough to assume them."

It was a full-time job learning to be a lady in 1876!

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May 10, 2018 Simone Ramone rated it really liked it

Simultaneously fascinating and terrifying.

As I read this, I often found myself comparing these incredibly detailed instructions with many of my ordinary 2018 behaviours.
For example, how I treat my low bred Irish servants, the topics of acceptable conversation at breakfast and the quality of my mourning clothes.

For some reason, I pictured the author as a cross between Lady Catherine De Bourgh and Margaret Whitlam. Dictatorial, yet genuine and full of common sense.

Should I ever find myself tran

Simultaneously fascinating and terrifying.

For some reason, I pictured the author as a cross between Lady Catherine De Bourgh and Margaret Whitlam. Dictatorial, yet genuine and full of common sense.

Should I ever find myself transported back in time to 1860, I could now probably make it through a smallish breakfast engagement before being socially ostracized or arrested.

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Nov 20, 2019 Laura rated it liked it

This book was first published in 1860 so it is obvious that it is outdated by now. However it was fun to compare the strict rules of Etiquette from then to the way of living now and some points made are for sure still valid today.

Relaxing, enjoyable read for the old-fashioned at heart.

Not as funny as the gentleman's guide to etiquette.

I did nearly die of laughter when the book had to make a special point not to suck on the end of your parasol while strolling down the street.

However theres a few sections I think people may like for things other than etiquette.

In the section that talks about achievements at the end it goes into a lot of detail about knitting and crocheting. Mainly about different popular types of garments and the popular way to knit them. So if you want some

Not as funny as the gentleman's guide to etiquette.

I did nearly die of laughter when the book had to make a special point not to suck on the end of your parasol while strolling down the street.

However theres a few sections I think people may like for things other than etiquette.

At the end of the book there is a "receipts" section. Despite how it sounds its instructions for different health care products for the time and how to make them yourself. So also if you are interested in Victorian era products this is a good area to reference.

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What an interesting read. There are some very insightful looks in to the past. Some make you wish for the days of yore when common courtesy and manners were expected. Other advice makes you very grateful for the 21st century.

Absolutely delightful! A real glimpse into the mores and attitudes of 19th century upper-crust America. I admit I skimmed the recipes for various toiletries. The attitudes toward servants and others of "lower class" were fascinating, if a bit disturbing. Absolutely delightful! A real glimpse into the mores and attitudes of 19th century upper-crust America. I admit I skimmed the recipes for various toiletries. The attitudes toward servants and others of "lower class" were fascinating, if a bit disturbing. ...more

This book was very helpful in my Victorian research, especially since it was written in the era. It does tend to be redundant, but the kindle version is free and it's good to keep on hand. This book was very helpful in my Victorian research, especially since it was written in the era. It does tend to be redundant, but the kindle version is free and it's good to keep on hand. ...more

Dec 21, 2016 Loulou Szal rated it really liked it

I bought this book as the perfect souvenir from 'Chatsworth House' in England [sometimes known in movies as 'Pemberley']
What ever else should I read about after visiting that fine establishment but how a lady should conduct herself in polite society?
Enjoyed the book immensely and have always wanted a collection of notes on the established rules for correct manners, dress, deportment and conversation during dinners, carriage rides, street promenades and balls.
Very thorough, with its attention to I bought this book as the perfect souvenir from 'Chatsworth House' in England [sometimes known in movies as 'Pemberley']
What ever else should I read about after visiting that fine establishment but how a lady should conduct herself in polite society?
Enjoyed the book immensely and have always wanted a collection of notes on the established rules for correct manners, dress, deportment and conversation during dinners, carriage rides, street promenades and balls.
Very thorough, with its attention to detail: At the dinner table, "avoid leaning back lazily in your chair" and "do not blow your soup. Wait until it cools."
And there is also; "avoid crossing a ballroom alone and never run, even if you wish to cross it quickly.""While you maintain a cheerful deportment, avoid loud talking and laughing, and still more carefully, avoid any action or gesture that may attract attention and make you conspicuous."
One really cannot beat the English for putting together great expressions through the use of verbosity.
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As someone with a highly romanticised view of the world, and a love for antiquated etiquette, I greatly enjoyed this book. It offers a wonderful look into the social expectations and mishaps of the nineteenth century, and - at times - affords one a slight giggle at a few of the do's and don't's.

Some of the chapters - namely those on marriage and courting - did not feel relevant at all to myself, however to others at the 'marriage' point in their lives, I'm sure there may be a few pointers (or e

Sections such as those on letter writing and hosting remain somewhat relevant today, and there are certainly some aspects I will strive to take on board and apply to my own twenty-first century life.

All in all, an interesting read - definitely a must for those with a love and appreciation of the older things in life.

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When read as a window into the past and a guide to glean modern principles of politeness, this book is a fabulous read. I actually learned a ton, and Mrs. Hartley's style sometimes had me laughing out loud. When read as a window into the past and a guide to glean modern principles of politeness, this book is a fabulous read. I actually learned a ton, and Mrs. Hartley's style sometimes had me laughing out loud. ...more

Holy lead makeup, Batman, use caution when choosing recipes from this book! However, this book was utterly fascinating. It's amazing how many cultural niceties are still relevant, juxtaposed with interesting archaic acts and artifacts. Holy lead makeup, Batman, use caution when choosing recipes from this book! However, this book was utterly fascinating. It's amazing how many cultural niceties are still relevant, juxtaposed with interesting archaic acts and artifacts. ...more

A delightful glimpse into 19th century etiquette. Despite being published over 150 years ago this book still offers useful advice and is proof that a little common courtesy and good manners never go out of style.

Jun 28, 2015 Kit Smith rated it it was amazing

Enjoyed it

I love reading about the old manners and customs. I wish I had morning calls to make and balls to plan.

Sep 08, 2015 Big H rated it liked it

Good information. I feel like some of the ideas presented could be repackaged for both genders for modern times--good etiquette is important for everyone at every time.

'For important rules:
1. A suitable place for everything and everything in its place.
2. A proper time for everything and everything done in it's time.
3. A distinct name for everything and everything called by its name.
4. A certain use for everything and everything put to its use.'
I loved reading this guide on etiquette from the 1860s. It was fascinating to see how much had changed....and really, who much hadn't. It was fun, informative and different. I also think it would be great for people writ 'For important rules:
1. A suitable place for everything and everything in its place.
2. A proper time for everything and everything done in it's time.
3. A distinct name for everything and everything called by its name.
4. A certain use for everything and everything put to its use.'
I loved reading this guide on etiquette from the 1860s. It was fascinating to see how much had changed....and really, who much hadn't. It was fun, informative and different. I also think it would be great for people writing historical fiction to read. And for the rest of us, well it had plenty of timeless advice like the above, and a lot of laughs. ...more

I almost felt as though I was reading fiction, though unfortunately this was the reality of many at one point. I can't hold it against the book since I knew going in that I would not agree with the points it makes but I was still interested enough to keep on reading. If you're also curious about the topic I would recommend it- I rate based on my enjoyment rather than the worth or objective quality of the novel and I can't say this was particularly fun, though I don't think anyone is going in wit I almost felt as though I was reading fiction, though unfortunately this was the reality of many at one point. I can't hold it against the book since I knew going in that I would not agree with the points it makes but I was still interested enough to keep on reading. If you're also curious about the topic I would recommend it- I rate based on my enjoyment rather than the worth or objective quality of the novel and I can't say this was particularly fun, though I don't think anyone is going in with that expectation. ...more

From now on, I will use the phrase "consumption-seeker" to refer to that group of lovely Sheffielders in strapless frocks and shorts loitering outside Aslan's Kebab at 10pm in the middle of December. From now on, I will use the phrase "consumption-seeker" to refer to that group of lovely Sheffielders in strapless frocks and shorts loitering outside Aslan's Kebab at 10pm in the middle of December. ...more

Interesting fun read. Great insight into American society in the 1860's. Some advice still applicable today. '..Therefore avoid saying upon paper what you would not say with your tongue.' Swap paper with social media and advice for today's generation.

Interesting and kind book

Fun to read! About 50% of this was still relevant and 50% wasn't. Learned a little and had fun reading about how things have changed. Fun to read! About 50% of this was still relevant and 50% wasn't. Learned a little and had fun reading about how things have changed. ...more

Primary source. Very much primary source. Which makes that it was published in 1860 noticeably important.

Conveys a great deal of what society was like, with all the usual caveats about descriptive vs. prescriptive. Like her dwelling on this

Never, in speaking to a married lady, enquire for her husband, or, if a gentleman, ask for his wife. The elegant way is to call the absent party by their name; ask Mr. Smith how Mrs. Smith is, or enquire of Mrs. Jones for Mr. Jones, but never for "your husban

Primary source. Very much primary source. Which makes that it was published in 1860 noticeably important.

Conveys a great deal of what society was like, with all the usual caveats about descriptive vs. prescriptive. Like her dwelling on this

Never, in speaking to a married lady, enquire for her husband, or, if a gentleman, ask for his wife. The elegant way is to call the absent party by their name; ask Mr. Smith how Mrs. Smith is, or enquire of Mrs. Jones for Mr. Jones, but never for "your husband" or "your wife." On the other hand, if you are married, never speak of your husband as your "lord," "husband," or "good man," avoid, also, unless amongst relatives, calling him by his Christian name. If you wish others to respect him, show by speaking of him in respectful terms that you do so yourself. If either your own husband or your friend's is in the army or navy, or can claim the Dr., Prof., or any other prefix to his name, there is no impropriety in speaking of him as the colonel, doctor, or whatever his title may be.

may indicate that the opposite usage was common.

And it's interesting to note that she expects the bridesmaids as well as the bride to wear white, albeit perhaps with colored ribbons. And when she writes about letters, we can see technological change in progress:

If you use an envelope, and this custom is now universal, fold your letter neatly to fit into it; then direct on the envelope.

The chapter on accomplishment lists in detail directions for knitting certain things and the like. And this anecdote recounts the importance of getting out of the carriage.

How to get in is difficult, but of less importance than getting out; because if you stumble in, no one sees you, but some one who may happen to be in the carriage; but how to get out is so important, that I will illustrate it by a short diplomatic anecdote:—
"The Princess of Hesse-Darmstadt," says M. Mercy d'Argenteau, an ambassador of the last century, "having been desired by the Empress of Austria to bring her three daughters to court, in order that her Imperial Majesty might choose one of them for a wife to one of her sons, drove up in her coach to the palace gate. Scarcely had they entered the presence, when, before even speaking to them, the empress went up to the second daughter, and, taking her by the hand, said, 'I choose this young lady.' The mother, astonished at the suddenness of her choice, inquired what had actuated it. 'I watched the young ladies get out of their carriage,' said the empress. 'Your eldest daughter stepped on her dress, and only saved herself from falling by an awkward scramble; the youngest jumped from the coach to the ground, without touching the steps; the second, just lifting her dress in front, so as she descended to show the point of her shoe, calmly stepped from the carriage to the ground, neither hurriedly nor stiffly, but with grace and dignity: she is fit to be an empress; her eldest sister is too awkward, her youngest too wild.'"

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Feb 17, 2015 Evin Ashley rated it really liked it

This, similar to George Washington's advice on gentlemanly conduct, is a must-read. If anything, to give thought to one's position as an individual in society, as well as the "proper place" of what I would describe as yin and yang, not male and female, in 2015.

I recently Googled books on etiquette; a recent subject of interest. I didn't want to read the NYT bestseller or first result on Amazon, so a little further digging led me to "The Ladies' Book of Etiquette" - seemingly the first American attempt at a book on manners. Subsequent books are perhaps more conducive to our modern era (detailing cell phone and social media etiquette), but I thought this was a good start.

I believe Florence strikes at the heart of not only good manners, but wisdom and kindness, when she simply states that all manners arise from self-respect. This is an opinion commonly mirrored in messaging of not only psychological doctrine (self-awareness, behavioral cognitive therapy) but also of spiritual wellness (yoga, Christianity), that emphasize the wholeness and awareness of the individual first, in order to fully participate and excel in society.

Having said that, the author literally states, "like every personality, [it] should be carefully avoided." Thus the humorous difficulty in reconciling the uniqueness of the individual in maintaining cohesion with others. Outliers have something to contribute - and tolerance should be emphasized above all else. What is deemed strange also led me to analyze these rules on etiquette within the entire context of culture - what is proper and moral in one may be entirely repulsive and vulgar to another. I.e., when Mrs Hartley discusses mourning - the black dress, the avoidance of topic unless initiated by the sufferer, the duration of somber mien; this would be wholly inappropriate in India, where Hindu cultures for example enforce a culture of celebration, immediacy and a colorful jubilation of emotion.

I suppose my takeaway from this book is to always be thoughtful and observant of the boundaries of others, welcoming of their contributions and talents, while first and foremost embodying your own place and truth.

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I liked the beginning, when it had instructions on how to carry on polite conversation. If only my coworkers would follow those rules, life would be a lot more pleasant! I skimmed the bulk of the material on how to dress for various things ("morning calls," "evening calls"), though it was good background for what the women do in Pride and Prejudice and similar books. (I guess people have to fill their time somehow if they don't have to work for a living.) I thought the advice to make sure one in I liked the beginning, when it had instructions on how to carry on polite conversation. If only my coworkers would follow those rules, life would be a lot more pleasant! I skimmed the bulk of the material on how to dress for various things ("morning calls," "evening calls"), though it was good background for what the women do in Pride and Prejudice and similar books. (I guess people have to fill their time somehow if they don't have to work for a living.) I thought the advice to make sure one instructs the servants before giving a dinner so one doesn't have to speak to them during it was hilarious. Imagine having servants!

The most incongruous part was the section of lace crochet patterns and recipes for various cosmetics at the end. It might be fun to try to follow one of the patterns, but I don't know where to find most of the ingredients for the cosmetics. Spermaceti? Is that even legal to sell now?

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Jan 20, 2015 Tatiana rated it it was ok

I'm very interested in etiquette books and the history of etiquette through the ages. I found this book as a free download on amazon.com and couldn't pass up the opportunity to read. Ms. Hartley's book is on etiquette in the 1860s--around the U.S. reconstruction era. Most of the book is about women's comportment--when to pay a call, when and how to return a call, how to hold a ball, etc. There are also some pages dedicated to maintaining your wardrobe and what is correct to wear during morning, I'm very interested in etiquette books and the history of etiquette through the ages. I found this book as a free download on amazon.com and couldn't pass up the opportunity to read. Ms. Hartley's book is on etiquette in the 1860s--around the U.S. reconstruction era. Most of the book is about women's comportment--when to pay a call, when and how to return a call, how to hold a ball, etc. There are also some pages dedicated to maintaining your wardrobe and what is correct to wear during morning, afternoons, etc. (hint: don't be gaudy, buy simple but quality fabrics). In all, it is some common sense etiquette tips with a splash of historical context (e.g., how to host a ball). A bit dry, but the recipes for complexion at the end were amusing. ...more

May 03, 2018 Arischa-Maria rated it really liked it

I have enjoyed reading this book to a certain extend. Some behaviours are actually still valid today, and i try to practise them in real live. However, the part about clothing was only interesting from a historical perspective, but hard to grasp, since i don't have a clue what half of the fabrics are. I read the printed version, and it is a useful book to carry with you. I also used it as a prop for a larp on giving etiquette lessons. Very useful to read it for larp, especially when you need to I have enjoyed reading this book to a certain extend. Some behaviours are actually still valid today, and i try to practise them in real live. However, the part about clothing was only interesting from a historical perspective, but hard to grasp, since i don't have a clue what half of the fabrics are. I read the printed version, and it is a useful book to carry with you. I also used it as a prop for a larp on giving etiquette lessons. Very useful to read it for larp, especially when you need to adress people of nobility. ...more

Free from amazon, turned out to be a really interesting window into how women in their early 20's were supposed to conduct themselves in "polite society" in the early 1900's. Hilarious and sometimes strangely relevant instructions on how to not embarrass yourself when talking to people, giving a dramatic reading, hosting people, talking to men. Wild to see how we've evolved from the era of calling cards. Free from amazon, turned out to be a really interesting window into how women in their early 20's were supposed to conduct themselves in "polite society" in the early 1900's. Hilarious and sometimes strangely relevant instructions on how to not embarrass yourself when talking to people, giving a dramatic reading, hosting people, talking to men. Wild to see how we've evolved from the era of calling cards. ...more

The last five years of world history have been nothing if not...eventful. When living in interesting times, there's nothing better for...

"There is no branch of education called so universally into requisition as the art of letter writing; no station, high or low, where the necessity for correspondence is not felt; no person, young or old, who does not, at some time, write, cause to be written, and receive letters. From the President in his official capacity, with the busy pens of secretaries constantly employed in this branch of service, to the Irish laborer who, unable to guide a pen, writes, also by proxy, to his kinsfolks across the wide ocean; all, at some time, feel the desire to transmit some message, word of love, business, or sometimes enmity, by letter." — 2 likes

"It is a want of true politeness that introduces the discord and confusion which too often make our homes unhappy. A little consideration for the feelings of those whom we are bound to love and cherish, and a little sacrifice of our own wills, would, in multitudes of instances, make all the difference between alienation and growing affection." — 0 likes

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How to Be a Lady Etiquette Free Books

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